Recap:
A month ago, I was in the middle of figuring out my summer, internships, where I’d be, my love life, my friendships; pretty much my whole life. I was really worked up, though, about my summer internships and what I was going to do. I had 3 great offers. One from the Asian American Institute in Chicago, one in Madison at a consulting firm where I’d be doing public relations and working with accounts, and one in Washington D.C. for the OCA summer internship program. Now, OCA’s summer internship is pretty well-known. Many of my peers who are focused on doing for/within the AAPI community have gone through the OCA summer internship program, and they have all said wonderful things about it. OCA has received nothing but praise (in my mind). It has a great reputation, it’s a vigorous program that really pushes people to become more knowledgeable and more active in the Asian American community and advocacy work. It has an AMAZING network. But for weeks, I struggled with the decision of which internship I wanted more. The one in Madison was also amazing. When I left the office after my interview, I left my heart behind. It’s also in my home turf, so I wasn’t afraid of getting around and being with friends. The one in Chicago was also ideal because it was close enough where I could visit my mom or she could visit me, but it’s also in a big city where I have friends I can see when I want. So I made myself a pros and cons chart, talked to many friends of different groups and decided to go with the OCA internship. So… I’m going to D.C.
Now:
As I reflect upon the past few months of my life, I realize that things have definitely gone by extremely fast, faster than I expected it to. And I never really got the chance to sit and think about it. Put my life in a different perspective. I always thought to myself, “yeah, this is great, moving away and being an adult. I love going away into another place and being on my own and exploring. It’s going to be great!” But when it actually hit me, that I’m moving to another city for a whole summer to work a 9-5 job (that I’ll hopefully love), I got nervous and in a way, scared. I’m moving away for the first time and being on my own in a big city working. Damn. I’ve come a long way. I am excited and I do love exploring, but who knew it would be so fast. Next thing you know, I’m going to be graduated and having a real job. Scary to think about. Maybe I’m not ready? Let’s not open that can of worms tonight.
But all good things come at a price? You get one thing and you lose another (my mom has always said that). I don’t believe that all aspects of someone’s life can be good all at the same time. It’s too idealistic. So some good things came my way, but other aspects of my life have been uncertain, blurry, dark. As my career path comes together, my love life has fallen apart and maybe even friendships have drifted. I’ve hurt other people and I’ve hurt myself. I didn’t put forth my best effort and now it’s biting me in the ass. But things always work itself out right? Or is it up to us to make things work for ourselves? What do you believe?
I’m a true believer in “everything happens for a reason”. I stand by that statement wholeheartedly, so when things happen in my life, I know it’s for a reason. I’m just still trying to figure out what the reasons are. Right now, I can say that choosing D.C. is the right decision. While everything at “home” is complicated, I’m leaving to a new place to figure out my life. Maybe it’ll help put some perspective in sight. I guess I could say this opportunity couldn’t have come at a better time. So after everything I’ve been through this past month, would I do it all again if I could? Probably… yeah.
No more sunny days, sky lines becoming grey. Flirts to first dates to versus about runaways.
Feels like yesterday where heart beats drum away. This coulda woulda shoulda been a love song, but it’s late.
I’d rather I love you more than you love me. I’d rather I hurt more than you’ve been hurt. I’d rather you steal all the happiness, and I’d rather you have it all. I don’t like hurting people. I don’t like knowing that I made someone sad and caused an ache in their heart. I honestly would rather take the pain because I’m used to it. I can handle it. I’d rather you be the one to leave and close that door. I’m a sacrificer. And I’d sacrifice my soul for you.
So much has happened that it made me resent our past, present and potential future.
Good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
I reflect on what has happened, and I see the fragmented pieces of my life and yours. And I wonder how long the pain will last, until finally something comes along to alleviate it all together. And time passes slowly. And the funny the thing about time is that it can either make things better or worse. But ultimately, regardless of how much time is needed, things seem to always work itself out over time. So, I still check up on the pieces of your life and how you’ve been, and I notice that things will always be better, and I thought of this quote. 99% of the time it’s true, and seeing what you’ve been able to pick up, find, discover, re-discover, shows even more how true this is. Because there is sunlight again and you found yourself in the support of your friends. And I don’t think these things could have happened if what was supposed to happen didn’t happen.
it means you’re happy, too by i enrapture on Flickr.
perks of being a wallflower
(via khongnguduoc)
That we stop being productive. We get so caught up with our feelings that we forget about almost everything. And when we finally feel ‘alright’ with ourselves, so much time has been wasted that we fall behind with things. Like work, school, sports and family. We already have it hard enough, so why do we choose to make it even harder on ourselves?
